Thursday, December 28, 2017

Some Dreams

This was just a dream but felt so real..

                     


     We're in front of a shoe store. it was my friend's. at first, we were just sitting on a kinda balcony in front of the store, me, him, my friend, and some people that I didn't recognize( maybe they're my friend's friends). But then I said that I wanted to look around the store so my friend who was the owner, he led my way. I asked my friend about some shoes that made me interested, about the price and etc. And then I saw something was going on outside, where he and some people were talking, a girl and some of her friends came to him, she immediately held his hand, and said something to him with a very happy smile. He responded the same way, smiled at her while answering her. I could see them clearly inside the store but they couldn't because I saw them through a very huge shoe cabinet in that store. she was beautiful with very bright skin, she wore short sleeves blue blouse above her knees, white sneakers, her hair was straight, long and black. and she wore a nice little bag with a long strap on her left shoulder. 
     About a few minutes, I was still staring at them, my friend beside me who was explaining about the shoes didn't even realize what was going on. Suddenly, there was a song's played by someone, I didn't recognize the song but the girl outside did, she said to him about that song, I clearly could hear what she said. "oh my god, remember? this is our song, what a coincidence" then she pulled up his hand and she started dancing like a princess by turning around her body under their hands. My heart was hurt so bad, my eyes were burning with tears but I held it as hard as possible cause I didn't wanna cry. 
      Eventually, my friend realized what was happening, his facial expression changed. I could see anger on both eyes. He immediately wanted to go out and said something to him, but I held him "please don't, please, please, let them be" he heard me, then he hugs me so tight, I cried between his arms. 
     that's all I can remember! 



              A noonmare   
     it was super abstract at first, I was ready for a party at noon somewhere. I had changed my clothes to a black dress. I sat on a long chair waiting something that I didn't know. And all of a sudden, I saw him, very close, literally only a few meters in front of me. he was standing But he wasn't alone, he talked to some friends. it wasn't clear how many people there but I only noticed a girl. She was talking to him. they seemed to enjoy that conversation. I knew her, she was my friend I mean not really but I just knew her. I know the fact that he noticed me as well but he just pretended that he didn't. I just didn't understand at that time cause he hadn't text me all day long, and now he was here talking with another girl. And then, a second later, something that was very unpredictable happened in front of me. I saw him carrying her on his back, they both seemed so happy. my heart was just beating so fast. but I chose to pretend that I didn't see it. I looked down on the ground. but then he came close to me, and now he was standing right in front of me and still carrying the girl. I just thought, " wtf is this? what does he mean?" I just almost dropped my tears. I held it so hard, but then a second later I couldn't take it so I ran from them before he had a chance to say something. I kept running and once I looked back and I just realized that he never chased me.
     




      

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Sleeping in Pain

INTRO: Well, I have no words this time for the intro, so I just hope that y'all will enjoy this one and have a very blessed day everyone :)

 I hate this feeling. I fucking hate it. It hurts so bad. I can't handle it. I don't know what to do, it's just like I'm walking through a maze and I have no clue to get the hell out of it. My chest feels so heavy, I can barely breathe. My eyes can't hold a big amount of tears that come out and drop on my cheeks. I'm crying in silence.
      I'm lying on my bed again this night, midnight exactly. With my both eyes wide open and my sweaty forehead. I hold my hands so hard that my nails even cut my own skin, but it doesn't feel hurt at all. I hit my head against the wall a few times, it feels nothing. It doesn't redeem even a little bit of the pain inside my body. I don't know exactly where it is tho. The pain. Is it inside my heart? My mind? or in every inch of my body? But the thing is, it hurts so bad!
     I feel numb physically, but not my soul. I feel like someone has stabbed me with a very keen sword right in my chest that my own soul even betrays me by trying to escape from my body because she can't take the pain as well. The sword pierces right in my heart through my bones and ends up on my back. There's no blood at all but the pain is real, I can't describe it. Too painful that it makes my body feel nothing but it. It doesn't kill my heart, it makes my heart beats even faster. I just want it to stop even for a second but it just more and more hurtful every second. If it can't stop then please let my heart dies, I'm fine to be heartless, but it can't kill my heart cause it just wanna torture me.
     How long will this keep going? Because I feel like it's endless. Waking up in the middle of the night, very dark, screaming because I'm too scared with my own dream. the dream about losing you. It was actually a good dream, we held each other hands and did things that we love together. But because of that, last time I dreamed about someone in that way, he immediately left me. I'm afraid it will happen again this time. Because with him, I still could pull the sword from my chest, but with you, my soul will come out as well while I pull it out. So, I have no life to live, everything will be tasteless.
      I force myself to close my eyes, it is unbelievably hard, but I have to, I have to fight this feeling cause I don't wanna lose myself again. I try to sleep with my right hands holding my knees and another one holding my head. With my mind which is still playing the possibility scenes of losing you. I can't stop it, but finally, I fall asleep because I'm too tired of it. I'm sleeping in pain!