Sleeping in Pain

INTRO: Well, I have no words this time for the intro, so I just hope that y'all will enjoy this one and have a very blessed day everyone :)

 I hate this feeling. I fucking hate it. It hurts so bad. I can't handle it. I don't know what to do, it's just like I'm walking through a maze and I have no clue to get the hell out of it. My chest feels so heavy, I can barely breathe. My eyes can't hold a big amount of tears that come out and drop on my cheeks. I'm crying in silence.
      I'm lying on my bed again this night, midnight exactly. With my both eyes wide open and my sweaty forehead. I hold my hands so hard that my nails even cut my own skin, but it doesn't feel hurt at all. I hit my head against the wall a few times, it feels nothing. It doesn't redeem even a little bit of the pain inside my body. I don't know exactly where it is tho. The pain. Is it inside my heart? My mind? or in every inch of my body? But the thing is, it hurts so bad!
     I feel numb physically, but not my soul. I feel like someone has stabbed me with a very keen sword right in my chest that my own soul even betrays me by trying to escape from my body because she can't take the pain as well. The sword pierces right in my heart through my bones and ends up on my back. There's no blood at all but the pain is real, I can't describe it. Too painful that it makes my body feel nothing but it. It doesn't kill my heart, it makes my heart beats even faster. I just want it to stop even for a second but it just more and more hurtful every second. If it can't stop then please let my heart dies, I'm fine to be heartless, but it can't kill my heart cause it just wanna torture me.
     How long will this keep going? Because I feel like it's endless. Waking up in the middle of the night, very dark, screaming because I'm too scared with my own dream. the dream about losing you. It was actually a good dream, we held each other hands and did things that we love together. But because of that, last time I dreamed about someone in that way, he immediately left me. I'm afraid it will happen again this time. Because with him, I still could pull the sword from my chest, but with you, my soul will come out as well while I pull it out. So, I have no life to live, everything will be tasteless.
      I force myself to close my eyes, it is unbelievably hard, but I have to, I have to fight this feeling cause I don't wanna lose myself again. I try to sleep with my right hands holding my knees and another one holding my head. With my mind which is still playing the possibility scenes of losing you. I can't stop it, but finally, I fall asleep because I'm too tired of it. I'm sleeping in pain!